S-O-S Research

“Children today are tyrants. They contradict their parents, gobble their food, and tyrannize their teachers.” This is how David Laing Dawson, M.D., opens up his new book, The Adolescent Owner’s Manual. Is this a quote from a parent, a teacher, a child expert? No, it is Socrates and demonstrates that parents have had troubles with their teens for as far back as we can see. Dr. Dawson provides his expertise for today’s parents on rearing this current generation, sprinkled with a nice dose of humor. I was not only fortunate enough to review his book, but was also able to interview him and gain some perspective on why he wrote the book and obtain some more helpful hints for parents.

Dr. David Laing Dawson

Dawson shared that about 11 years ago the population in his clinical practice changed to children, teens, and families. He especially saw “teens and distraught parents, primarily because of need (a few adult psychiatrists around but no child psychiatrists).” He jokingly added:

I told my daughter (then about 35 with her own child) that I was now working primarily with teenagers and parents and it was probably my penance for being such a poor parent myself. She agreed. (Actually I have a wonderful relationship with two grown children and two grown stepchildren, which I often feel I don’t really deserve.)”

Dawson continued and said:

When you work with kids and parents and teens and parents it constantly brings back memories of your own childhood and adolescent years and the years being a father to teens. I share many of these memories with the families I see.“

Dawson is the author of numerous fiction and nonfiction books (some of which have been translated into seven languages), as well as a film writer and director. I asked him why he decided to try his hand at a parenting book. He replied:

Several reasons, I think. One is simply because that’s what I do. I write. And I think the best way to clarify one’s thinking is to write about it, and try to explain to others. And at least twice a week I would find myself saying, “Okay, I think it might be helpful to spend some time talking about adolescence, what it is.” And then launching into a twenty minute or half hour discourse, often using phrases and stories that are now in the book. Many parents didn’t seem to have a way of understanding the thinking and behaviour of their teen. I haven’t read all the other books on the subject but I did look at a few. Parents would also tell me that the books they have read made them feel inadequate. They couldn’t possibly live up to the standards of good parenting presented in those books.

And while the basic clinical diagnostic question is always: “Is the problem poor or insufficient parenting, or is something actually wrong with the child?” the books on the subject address one or the other, eg. “Tough Love”   or  “Parenting an ADHD child”. So a short, readable, entertaining book covering both might be helpful.  But, if you will pardon a quote from Tolstoy, every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way, and each family lives in its own context, so, while general principles hold for all, the actual solutions need to be tailored to each family’s reality.

I then asked Dawson what he brought to this genre of books that is unique. He offered:

If I bring anything unique to the field I think it would be the ability to write clearly, to the point, and tell stories.  And a slightly different take on such matters as self-esteem, cutting, eating disorders, lying, suicide gestures, addictions, and other phenomena. And in my work I almost never see a teenager alone. Always with parent or parents. Even with parents who don’t live together.“

The Adolescent Owner’s Manual

In The Adolescent Owner’s Manual Dawson initially explains that adolescents are not “simply adults-in-the-making” (p. 10), but rather a person whose brain has not fully matured.  All the areas that still need to be developed, such as empathy, a full conscience, mortality, vulnerability, and more, are explained and examples are provided. Just this realization alone helps parents to view their teen with a different set of eyes and expectations.

The Manual has a nice section titled “Performance” and Dawson addresses the various performances seen in adolescents. We know that teens are constantly testing boundaries, but Dawson explains that this is their job. They need to experience things themselves and spread their wings. But as the parent, it is our job to determine when this is safe and when we need to put a halt to it. Just as toddlers and young children desire structure and need to feel safe, our teens also want us to keep them safe.

There is a brief section looking at the differences in raising an adolescent girl versus a boy. Dawson summed it up with boys “become stupid” and girls “become evil.” (p. 55) Of course this summary is tongue-in-cheek, but Dawson is able to convey what parents are up against based on the gender of their teen.

An entire section is devoted to examining if something could be wrong with your teenager. Depression, bipolar disorder, ADHD, anxiety disorder, OCD, and schizophrenia are all examined. A final chapter presents insight into a number of topics that may touch a teen’s life, such as cars, shoplifting, anorexia, and more. Dawson seems to have a real understanding of teens and what they are experiencing and his insight and advice not only makes sense but are also logical.

Advice to Parents

So many parents find it difficult to do the hard things, such as take away the electronics, implement a curfew, and just say “no.” I asked Dawson why he thinks this is and he provided a response that will make all of us parents think about what factor applies to us. Here is his response:

I think many different factors play a role when parent(s) fail to say NO.

1. Too preoccupied with other matters (work, no work, marital strife, single mom working in a factory, two younger kids from next marriage, exhausted, tired of the battles, grandmother dying.)
2. Afraid of losing the child’s love. Under this is often guilt. A feeling that you have never really been a good parent. (this may be in part because of some of the books on parenting) Afraid of losing the child. Especially true of divorced parents.
   
3. Never really sure it is the right thing to do, because, as your kid says, all the other kids are allowed to….
   
4. Too angry. Sometimes the parent knows that if he says no, he’s going to get a fierce argument, and then he’s going to get angry and do something he will regret later, so easier to give in.
   
5. Not understanding that the child actually wants a NO. The request is just a vehicle in the ongoing negotiation about power, responsibility.
   
6. Misguided notions that a parent’s job is to make her child happy.
   
7. Over identification. “It hurts me so much to see her unhappy.”
   
8. Believing unconditional love is enough.
   
9. Vastly overestimating the teenagers’ knowledge, judgment, abilities, and motives.”

Maybe we parents put too much pressure on ourselves for what we believe is our responsibility towards our teens. In his book, Dawson put it quite simply:

It is wise to remember that your job is to get your adolescent alive and well into adulthood, not addicted, without criminal record, not pregnant, and preferably educated. All the rest that you wish for would be nice but is not necessary.” (p. 95)

I asked Dawson for one piece of final advice for parents. He offered:

Perhaps several parts to it: You are the parent. A family is not a democracy. You are central to a teen’s thinking and behavior, even while he denies it. You have the wisdom, judgment, and skill. He does not. And whatever nasty thing he or she says, Do not take it personally. You can be tough and affectionate at the same time.“

What’s Next for Dr. Dawson?

Dr. Dawson provided us parents with a very readable book full of sensible and loving advice to help guide our teens. It is not “just” another parenting book and I would highly recommend that parents add it to their home libraries.

I wondered what was next and here is what Dawson revealed:

Probably work on a novel this winter, and polish one of my screenplays.

I know my endeavors seem all over the map, but I think they do feed one another: my novels and films are always about, in general terms, mental health, mental illness, addictions, and I use these narrative skills and concepts in my approach to psychiatry.”

I want to thank Dr. Dawson for taking time out of his busy schedule to participate in this interview. I also want to thank Marvin Ross from Bridgeross Communications for providing a book for this review.