The development of the human baby is very complex. So many amazing things happen, especially the first two years of a child’s life. If you have been as fortunate as most 
parents to have raised your child from birth, you may not even be aware of critical developmental skills and milestones that occur so early on. It’s nice to be able to just focus on the sheer joy of your new baby.
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Terri Mauro is widely known and respected as a very proficient writer who has shared her insight and observations 
on special needs issues through various media. Many of us have read her writings and I was excited to be able to interview her in honor of Adoption Awareness Month. First, Terri shared the following specifics about her work endeavors:
on special needs issues through various media. Many of us have read her writings and I was excited to be able to interview her in honor of Adoption Awareness Month. First, Terri shared the following specifics about her work endeavors:
“I’ve been a professional writer for thirty years; I’ve written greeting cards, giftware sayings, magazine articles, book and theater reviews, even horoscopes, whatever I could get paid for. When we adopted our kids, my writing focus swung toward special needs, and I started writing my own website, Mothers With Attitude. In 2004, I was given the opportunity to start writing the About.com Parenting Special Needs site, and that’s my main focus now. I’ve also written two books, The Everything Parent’s Guide To Sensory Integration Disorder and 50 Ways to Support Your Child’s Special Education.“
I was aware of Terri as a writer and an adoptive mother of children from Russia. Beyond that, I didn’t know much. I quickly discovered that Terri was one of the earlier adoptive parents of children from Russia. Her adoptions were 3 years before mine and 9 years before Kay Marner’s. As Terri explained:
My husband and I have two children adopted from Russia in 1994. Our daughter is 20. She graduated high school this year and started in the fall at a community college. She is hoping to get an AA in early childhood education and find a job as a teacher’s aide. Our son is 17. He’s a junior in high school, and just this year moved out of self-contained classes and into all inclusion and resource-room classes. So far, he seems to be rising to the challenge.
When we adopted them in November 1994, our daughter was 4.5 years old and our son was 18 months. They were in the same orphanage in Petrozavodsk, Karelia, but were not birth siblings. They had both been in the orphanage since leaving the hospital after birth.
We were supposed to be in Russia for two weeks, but it turned out being an entire month. We left the US on Halloween and came back on December 1. Our agency was new in the area, we were the third family to travel, and I think the local government was getting cold feet. We waited it out, but it was hard. We had a translator for about five minutes a day, and some days not at all. The woman we were staying with got tired of having us there, and started staying out all night and not feeding us. Our daughter was expecting to be adopted, and confused when we kept coming to visit but never taking her. My husband got sick, and he never gets sick. It was extremely stressful for everybody, but of course, the ending of being able to bring our children home with us made everything more than worth it.“
I asked Terri what the most frustrating experience was about her adoption and here is what she shared:
Definitely the endless wait in Russia. It was terribly frustrating, not being able to communicate, not know what was happening, being completely powerless in this enterprise that was so desperately important. The second most frustrating was the general denial of US agencies and parents involved in adoption that these kids could have problems that would not be solved with a hug. We deliberately adopted kids with special needs, we weren’t blaming anyone, but the question from the agency was always, “Are they caught up yet?” And when the answer continued to be no, they faded away. No supports, no programs. That agency has added those things now, but waaaaaay too late for us. Meanwhile, I remember being on e-mail lists where mention of things like FASD or RAD was met by “LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU!” Talking about it was bad for Russian adoption, don’t you know? If hugs’n'love didn’t solve everything, it was your fault.“
But along with the frustrations, there was also humor. Terri remembered the following:
When we finally got the go-ahead to take the kids, we first picked our son up from the baby room, brought him to the playroom in our daughter’s area of the orphanage, and changed him into a diaper and sleeper. I had gone shopping for outfits for him back home with the mother of a friend who knew all about babies … but of course, she knew all about big healthy American babies, and the outfit we’d picked for him was ENORMOUSLY too big. Then it came time to change my daughter into her new clothes so she could leave the clothes she was wearing with the orphanage … and the workers gathered all the children together, little boys and girls three or four years old, to sit and watch her take her old clothes off and put her new clothes on. It was kind of horrifying, but of course highly symbolic too. These kids all slept together in one big room, peed together on pots in one big room, probably bathed together, so I guess seeing their friend take her clothes off was no big deal, but it certainly took us aback.“
Unlike many who adopt and are surprised by special needs, Terri’s story is uniquely different. She explained:
We wanted to adopt children with special needs, and we started with the National Adoption Center in Philadelphia, the one advertised at Wendy’s. We had to get a homestudy to register with them. Once we did, they kept sending referrals that were not appropriate. When we did show interest in a child, they came up with reasons why we weren’t appropriate. I think they thought we were over our heads taking on kids with significant needs, and they weren’t wrong — we had no idea what we were doing. But at some point the lady from our homestudy agency called and said, “We’re starting a program in Russia, we have a little girl with special needs who needs a home right now, are you interested?” We hadn’t intended international adoption, but you know, you go where your children are. We asked them to find a brother for her, and we were on our way.
Our daughter had brain damage at birth due to lack of oxygen. She wasn’t expected to survive, but she’s a fighter. She has a really significant deficit in language — when we met her at age 4.5, she had a handful of baby-talk Russian, not age appropriate at all. And then, of course, she had to start all over in English, without the support of her first language for the transition. Language deficits make everything hard — reading, writing, learning, social skills. Our son has Fetal Alcohol Effects, which in his case has involved a lot of autistic behaviors, some ADHD behaviors, sensory-integration issues, a few seizures along the way. They’re both doing really well, and maybe that catch-up thing will finally come … when they’re in their thirties or so.“
Although Terri chose to parent children with special needs, she stated:
We didn’t have any idea what that was going to mean, of course — I don’t think you can truly understand that until you’re in the middle of it — but we wanted to do this.“
Terri found help from her pediatrician and email lists. She explained:
Our first pediatrician helped a lot. He right away referred us to the school’s special-ed preschool for our daughter, and a little later to early intervention and a good neurologist for our son. I also got a lot of help from those e-mail lists, especially from the parents dealing with challenges like mine who did not sit down and shut up. I found so many good books and other resources from the suggestions on those lists, and one time really concrete help. I wanted to move my daughter to inclusion, and the child study team at the school was really fighting me; they said it would destroy her. I took a poll of parents on the e-mail list, asking those whose kids had problems similar to my daughter’s where those kids were being educated. Most of them were in inclusion. I wrote up the survey results, and it was very hard for the school to argue with. Here’s a specific subset of kids with whom you have no experience, and here’s what other school districts are doing.“
It has now been sixteen years since Terri’s adoptions and I asked her how things have changed for today’s adoptive parents. She revealed:
I think the Internet is a tremendous boon. There’s a lot more information and support. I don’t know
what I would have done without my parenting lists, and there’s so much more out there now.“
I questioned Terri about prospective adoptive parents and if she thought they were better educated today and she thoughtfully explained:
You know, I’m not sure being better educated going in is the answer to problems. It sounds good, but I don’t think you can really know what you can handle until you’re handling it. You can educate yourself all you want and expect to know what you’re doing, but every individual child is an unknown. Kids with the same diagnosis can be very different. I’d like to see more of an emphasis on support after the adoption than education before it.“
Terri revealed how she has been changed by parenting her children with special needs:
Well, it pretty much transformed my writing career. I’m all special needs all the time now. I’d like to think I’m more patient and creative. I’ve become aware of how many things we expect from children that we would never expect from ourselves.“
Terri has grown children now and has acquired a wealth of information about adoption. She concluded our interview with the following insight:
I think adoption is a great way to form a family. Considering how much more widespread and out in the open adoption is now, and how much foster care is out in the open now, I wish the public in general was more conscious of the boneheaded things that make adopted kids feel bad. There is absolutely no excuse for school assignments that assume a child is living with birthparents. My daughter just got one of those IN COLLEGE, and it’s got her all upset. The assignment assumes that “the essence of you” is your cultural background, and wants to know where your were born and all about your family origins. That’s a bad assignment for adopted kids, foster kids, kids who grew up in abusive homes, kids in blended families who may not have access to a divorced parent’s family history … just all sorts of scenarios. Ticks me off, it does.“
I want to thank Terri for not only sharing her family’s adoption story, but also giving us her perspective on adoption as a seasoned adoptive parent. If you would like to learn more about special needs, I highly encourage you to visit Terri on her About.com blog or look into one of her many other writing projects. Again, thank you Terri!
In the middle of Iowa is a university town of about 50,000 people called Ames. In 2010, CNNMoney.com ranked 
Ames #9 on their “Best Places to Live” list. The 2000 census showed 8,970 families living in the city. In honor of Adoption Awareness Month, I am excited to bring you into the household of one of these families–the Marner’s. I was fortunate to be able to interview Kay Marner, an active writer and expert on topics such as ADHD, parenting, and international adoption. Regarding Kay’s household she stated:
Ames #9 on their “Best Places to Live” list. The 2000 census showed 8,970 families living in the city. In honor of Adoption Awareness Month, I am excited to bring you into the household of one of these families–the Marner’s. I was fortunate to be able to interview Kay Marner, an active writer and expert on topics such as ADHD, parenting, and international adoption. Regarding Kay’s household she stated:
I’ve been married for 15 years to my husband Don. He is a landscape architect and works for an engineering firm.We have two children. Our son Aaron is 14 and is our biological child. We adopted our daughter, Natalie, from Russia and she’s now 10 and is in 4th grade.
We adopted Natalie from an orphanage in Russia in February of 2003. She was 2 ½ at the time. Her orphanage was in Vyshny Volochek, a city in the Tver region. The city is about half way between Moscow and St. Petersburg.“
Prospective adoptive parents must first decide if they will adopt domestically or internationally. If internationally, they then must decide on a country. When I asked Kay how she and her husband chose Russia she revealed:
That’s actually a really sad story; it makes me a little bit angry every time I tell it.
One weekend when Aaron was 5, Don and I decided over a glass of wine that it was time to add to our family. I had a hysterectomy when Aaron was about 2, and we knew that when were ready for number 2 we’d be adopting.
That next Monday morning after we decided to go for it, I went to our local Department of Human Services office to ask for information about how to adopt through the State’s foster-adopt system. The woman behind the counter couldn’t tell me a thing. She said that she thought another local agency, Lutheran Services in Iowa, handles that, and to try calling them, so I did. The receptionist at LSI had no idea who to connect me to, but she had me leave someone a message. No one ever called back. I tried again, left someone else a voicemail. Still no call back.
In the meantime, I started to research adoption online, and learned a little about international adoption. A few months later, I saw a notice in the paper that Children’s Hope was holding an informational meeting in Des Moines, and the rest is history.
Now, of course, if I would have persevered I could have found someone who knew something about how to foster-adopt domestically. But isn’t it a sad state of affairs that adopting from Russia turned out to be easier?
People often ask me how we chose Russia to adopt from. Heck, I don’t know! Children’s Hope offered several international programs, and each country’s processes had its pros and cons, which we compared and contrasted. In the end, we (figuratively) sort of just closed our eyes and pointed to one!“
I adopted twice from Russia with only two years between each trip, but both trips were very different from each other. I asked Kay to describe her travels to Russia and here is what she said:
We made two trips to Russia. The first was for one week, and the purpose was to meet Natalie (she was Valentina then), accept her as our referral, and petition the court for a date to adopt her. We
went back about a month later and stayed for two weeks, had our court date, and did all of the other necessary paperwork. From the research I did for an article for Adoptive Families about a year ago, I understand that Russia’s process is now significantly harder, and the cost is higher. I hate to think that more babies and kids will grow up in orphanages because of that.
Our adoption agency was Children’s Hope International, and thank God, their in-country staff in Russia was top-notch. We’d have been lost without them. I can’t tell our best stories publically—they’ll have to stay off the record! One of my most poignant memories is of what the grocery store in Vyshny Volochech was like. It seemed like with every 100 miles we traveled away from Moscow, we went back in time 100 years. From Moscow to the city of Tver took us back one century; from Tver to VyshnyVolochech another. We stopped at this grocery store to buy wine and chocolates for the orphanage director and fruit for the kids (the only decent fruit the store had was lemons!). They didn’t have a cash register—they used an abacas. That floored me. There was girl standing by a small table over against a wall, probably a teenager, and she was clearly intellectually disabled. I could just imagine her standing there all day every day while her mother worked. Her life would be so much different if she lived in the US.“
In The Beginnings of International Adoption: Paperwork Galore! I addressed the amount of paperwork required for international adoption and how it sometimes seemed to be a moving target. Kay concurred with my perspective and felt it was probably the most frustrating thing about her adoption experience stating, “So much paperwork, and most of it didn’t really relate to what kind of parents we would be.”
Like many of us who have adopted, Kay’s daughter has special needs. Regarding her daughter’s special needs, Kay shared the following:
We didn’t set out to adopt a child with special needs. The parameters we gave the agency were a 3-4 year old girl with no special needs. It was taking a little longer to receive our referral than expected, and eventually we found out that was because there was no such thing! But they did have a 2 ½ year old whose identified special need was Hepatitis, which our pediatrician reassured me wasn’t likely to be a big deal.
On my 40th birthday, we received our referral. An email arrived with the subject line: “Meet Valentina!” Attached was a grainy picture of a little girl dressed in boys clothes, head shaved, socks filthy dirty. She appeared to be trying to climb down from the hideous couch she’d been plunked down on for the picture. (That should have been our first clue—the climbing, not the couch!) Although the sketchy information included in the body of the email admitted that in addition to hepatitis, she had developmental delays, we thought that was to be expected, due to orphanage life. We decided we wanted to proceed with the process and meet her.
At the orphanage, 3 or 4 smiling “mamas” walked into the big room where we waited, one of them
carrying a tiny 2 ½ year old, still sleepy from her afternoon nap. On cue, she said, “Mama. Papa,” and she was ours.
I’ll never forget the first time Don held her. As I watched his face, I could literally see him fall in love with her. But during that first visit, as we held her, hugged her, and played with her, it became clear to us that she was severely delayed. She was just learning to walk, at 2 ½, and although she understood spoken language, she didn’t talk. She had no idea what to do with the book we brought her—she picked it up and rubbed it against her face. She sat with her lips tightly pursed, fingers fisted and pulled in against her body, as if she was afraid to move or make a sound. Strange expressions crossed her face when we talked and played with her. It was clear she hadn’t spent much time looking at the human face.
Don and I thought she must be severely intellectually disabled. Would she ever learn to talk? To read? What would it be like for Aaron if we took on a child with such severe problems? Our conversation about this was very brief. Don and I agreed—we loved and wanted this child—no matter what. Whatever her future held, we’d just have to deal.
I think our pediatrician took one look at her and knew she had ADHD. She immediately referred us for a developmental evaluation through our Area Education Agency, and soon we were involved in speech therapy, occupational therapy, and special education. She started taking Ritalin when she was five, and in the next couple of years was diagnosed with Sensory Processing Disorder. We didn’t complete a full psychological evaluation until a little over a year ago, when I could no longer tolerate her outbursts of aggression. Those tests confirmed ADHD, and added Fetal Alcohol Syndrome to the mix.“
Through the years, Kay has found support from a number of different people and organizations. She explained:
Our pediatrician was our point person for several years, and that early success evaluation that she referred us to through the AEA was our first step into services. When Nat started preschool she had a wonderful teacher who became my lifeline. Later, I came to rely on our OT (our second one–no longer through AEA). When Nat was in preschool, I remember dropping her off there more than one morning in tears, and telling various teachers or therapists that I needed help, that I couldn’t do it. I was desperate for respite services. I was told over and over that we didn’t qualify for any help. Eventually, I cried to our OT too, and she said of course there was help available, and that we would qualify, and told me about Iowa’s Children’s Mental Health Waiver, a Medicaid program. We’ve been receiving respite services through the waiver for more than 2 years now, and also benefit greatly from Nat having Medicaid to pick up expenses not covered by our family medical insurance plan.“
Many of us adopting years ago have encountered a myriad of special needs that we were initially unprepared to face. I wrote a post about my experience with international adoption and special needs. I would like to think that parents are better informed today, but there are still many accounts where parents have not been prepared for international adoption and the special needs it often brings. Back in April 2010, Kay herself wrote about Torry Hansen. Hansen adopted a boy from Russia and then sent him back to Russia because she could not handle his behavioral and psychiatric problems. I asked Kay if she thought parents were better prepared today and this is what she said:
I know that a certain number of hours of education are now required before parents adopt, and I hope the info they receive is good info. But I think prospective parents’ hopes will always cause them to be naïve about what prenatal and early life experiences can do to children.“
With regards to what needs to change, Kay offered the following:
Just plain honesty. I can’t point fingers to any one person or organization, but before we received our referral, every time I wanted reassurance that we could indeed adopt a child from Russia with no special needs, I found someone to give me that reassurance. I’m going to say something very politically incorrect now: I wouldn’t trade Natalie for any child in the world—we love her with all of our hearts—but I think every adoption from Russia should be considered a special needs adoption. Like guilty until proven innocent—special needs until proven otherwise! I would never discourage anyone from adopting from Russian—in fact, just the opposite—I’d like to find homes for every kid in every orphanage! But I want people to know exactly what they’re getting into before they make the commitment. I love the book Reasonable People: A Memoir of Autism and Adoption: On the Meaning of Family and the Politics of Neurological Difference by Ralph Savarese. Savarese captures the philosophy of life a person needs in order to adopt a child with special needs.“
I asked Kay how she has been changed by parenting Natalie and she shared:
She’s one of the biggest blessings in my life, and one of my hardest challenges. She’s ten now, and on each of her Gotcha Days I’ve thought that if I would have known it would still be so hard a year later, I couldn’t have done it. This semester we have the best respite schedule ever, and Nat goes to an afterschool program 3 days a week. Her medications help tremendously, and she’s maturing and learning coping skills. Just in the last month or so I’ve had these moments of near-bliss when I’ve thought, “Oh my god! I think I’m going to make it through this after all!” And, of course, she’s helped me achieve my lifelong dream of becoming a writer, by finally giving me something (someone) important to write about!“
Kay provided the following description of what she is currently involved in:
I am a former social worker-turned-former library staffer-turned freelance writer. I quit my nearly perfect part-time job 1 ½ years ago. (I drove a bookmobile. How cool is that?) Now I work from home during the limited hours I can free up from parenting. I contribute regularly to ADDitude magazine and am additudemag.com’s ADHD parenting blogger. I occasionally write for Adoptive Families magazine—a lot less frequently than I used to. My newest venture is contributing to a collaborative blog: a mom’s view of ADHD {everyday life with our ADHD kids}. My main focus at this time is editing a book for DRT Press, which is scheduled for release in September 2011. The title is “Bless Your Heart”. It will include essays written by parents of kids who are “easy to love, but hard to parent” kids with ADHD and other conditions that take the already difficult job of parenting and add to the challenge. In addition, we’ll have experts answer questions that arise from each essay, and bring in other parents’ voices to echo themes that are organic to each piece. We are so, so thrilled that Dr. Ned Hallowell, the guru of the ADHD world, wrote the introduction to the book—and his words were so spot on that they made me cry! This book is not about the children themselves, it is about the parents, and the experiences and feelings that accompany parenting a special needs child.“
I want to thank Kay for her open and honest responses to my questions on adoption. I loved learning about her adoption experience and hope you did too. Please visit Kay on one of her blogs and find out more about parenting a child with ADHD. Thanks, Kay!
Mix a bit of Iran with America, stir in Ghana, and sprinkle Sweden and France on top and what do you get? You get an 
incredible family that came to be through marriage and international adoption. Lisa Finnegan is a writer, journalist, and a blogger that I have previously written about in S-O-S is Helping Parents Abroad! and Blogging Gives Me the Opportunity to Meet Wonderful People! What About You?. In honor of Adoption Awareness Month, Lisa was generous enough to give me her time and answer some questions regarding her adoption experience.
incredible family that came to be through marriage and international adoption. Lisa Finnegan is a writer, journalist, and a blogger that I have previously written about in S-O-S is Helping Parents Abroad! and Blogging Gives Me the Opportunity to Meet Wonderful People! What About You?. In honor of Adoption Awareness Month, Lisa was generous enough to give me her time and answer some questions regarding her adoption experience.
Regarding the formation of Lisa’s family, she described it as follows:
I have a very international family. I am American (and very much a New Yorker), my husband was born in Iran and has Swedish citizenship, my 5-year-old daughter was born in Ghana and we currently live in France. It is always amusing to see people’s expressions when they learn about our backgrounds – including the French justices when we finalized our daughter’s adoption. But the fact that we fit so well together is a testament that people are people regardless of color, ethnicity or nationality. My husband and I couldn’t have had more different childhoods in countries that are more different, but we are so similar in our beliefs you would think that we grew up across the street from each other. And our daughter is an amazing little girl with such a great sense of humor that we couldn’t imagine our life without her.“
Lisa’s adoption journey was not an easy one. She shared the following:
Our adoption experience was the most frustrating thing I have encountered in my life. If I wasn’t so stubborn I would have given up long before our daughter came home. My husband and I were in Ireland when we decided to start the adoption process. Ireland is a very, very difficult country when it comes to adoption because it is not encouraged and the process is long, complicated and sort of humiliating. We were told that we should try to conceive on our own, that adoption was a poor option and that we had to wait a year before they would even consider doing a home study because they wanted to make sure we really wanted to adopt. During that time they urged us to get pregnant and said if we did, we couldn’t adopt.
We felt we had no choice but to go through their system so we sent our application and waited a year. By the time the year was up, we had moved to another part of Ireland and we were told we had to begin the process again and wait another year. We decided to move to another country instead. Unfortunately, we moved to France and I couldn’t speak a word of French. It took me quite a while to figure out what to do, but eventually we received approval to adopt from France’s children and family services.
My daughter was 3.5 when she came to our home in France almost two years ago. It took us that long to get her adoption finalized here (we went to court in October), mostly because of our complicated family situation.“
When adopting internationally, selecting a country is a very personal choice. Lisa explained that she and her 
husband decided on Ghana for the following reason:
My husband felt very strongly that we should adopt from a country in Africa. He had done humanitarian work for a variety of countries on the continent and felt drawn to it. Everything just fell into place with Ghana and once we settled on an orphanage things went relatively smoothly.“
Every country has their own set of adoption laws and regulations. Sometimes these rules differ depending upon where you are in a particular country. I asked Lisa how long she was in Ghana during her adoption and she stated:
My husband was in Ghana for 2 weeks and I was there alone with my daughter for 6 weeks. It was an extraordinarily difficult time for a variety of reasons, but it was also a very beautiful experience. My daughter and I bonded and she learned that I am fair, I do what I say I am going to do and that no matter what she does, I am not going anywhere without her. I had been very nervous about the long plane flight back to France but by the time we left Ghana she completely trusted me and knew she would be safe. The only time she complained on the flight was when she had trouble sleeping and decided the bed at the guest house was more comfortable and we should go back there so we could get some sleep.“
Bringing a child home after adoption is not always a smooth process. The transition varies from child to child and family to family. Lisa explained how the experience was for her daughter:
Like all internationally adopted children, my daughter was shell-shocked and frightened when she arrived. What so many adoptive parents forget is that their child has lost everything – her country, friends, caretakers – and is grieving. I would guess that if you look at pictures of your children now and compare them to pictures of when they first came home you would see a big difference in their eyes.
One of the advantages of living abroad is that we had the luxury of allowing our daughter to adjust to us and our home without having to meet our extended family members immediately. Our daughter really needed the time to settle in to her surroundings and to learn how to be a part of a family. She was quite content staying inside turning on lights and opening and closing cabinet doors for the first week. When we did go outside, she was cautious and clingy although she became more adventurous as she felt more comfortable. We cocooned her for quite a while, venturing out slowly and allowing her to set the pace.
I think all adoptive parents can expect tantrums, sleep issues, possibly food issues and a very difficult six months as their child adjusts to his new home. The key is to try to remain calm and not panic, and to be consistent and patient and kind. We need to be a little flexible with our children as they settle in because we just don’t know what is going on in their minds or what might be triggering a reaction. I am happy to say my daughter is doing beautifully now. She is happy and social and doing very well in school. She is very fluent in English and doing well with French.“
It is not uncommon for many children adopted internationally to experience some form of special needs. I asked Lisa if she was concerned about any special needs and she shared:
I think most adoptive parents keep a keen eye out for special needs issues. Thankfully, my daughter does not appear to have any special needs. She is on track developmentally and does well in school. However, she will begin first grade next year and will learn how to read and write. If there are any learning issues that have not surfaced, we will likely find out about them then.
One disadvantage that my daughter has is she is currently in a French public school and her parents are not native French speakers and so while her English is excellent, her French is not as good. I have taken the precautionary measure of taking her to a speech therapist to improve her French pronunciation and to help her to improve her vocabulary. I also work closely with her teacher to help her work on the areas she’s having difficulty with. But this is simply me being pro-active about preparing her for the next school year and making sure that I know about any issues as soon as they occur.“
In addition to being a wife and mother, Lisa is kept busy with a number of projects. She described her current projects:
I am extremely fortunate to be a writer and a journalist because it enables me to live and work anywhere in the world. It also gives me the flexibility to be there when my daughter needs me, and I am so grateful for that.
My complicated adoption journey and experiences living outside the US led me to start WhileAbroad.com. I have two sites up now, Adopting While Abroad and Parenting While Abroad. The goal is to provide a place where expats (people who live outside their country of origin) can go for information about adopting and parenting. I hope to continue expanding WhileAbroad.com as topics emerge. The next site will be dedicated to helping people with disabilities navigate — in every sense of the word — life as an expat and travel abroad.
Additionally, I write non-fiction articles and books on topics that interest me. My first book is called
No Questions Asked: News Coverage since 9/11 (Democracy and the News), which looks at how events and issues were covered by journalists within the US and outside of it. I wrote it because I believe it is important to understand history so we can prevent mistakes made from happening again. It was honored with an award by the National Library Association and can be found on the shelves of many libraries in the US.
I am currently working on a book about how the global population is being manipulated and cheated by politicians and special interest groups. I want people to be able to recognize when they are being dumbed down or manipulated so they can take steps to prevent it and reverse the pattern. It is so important to understand what is happening and why so we can make informed decisions.“
As Lisa mentioned above, she maintains two blogs. The first blog is called Adoption While Abroad and she provided these details:
Adoption is never easy. Adopting as an expat is extraordinarily difficult. In many countries it is almost impossible to find information about the adoption procedure and the steps you have to take. I started the site so expats who want to adopt have a place to go where they can learn what options are available to them. Sometimes taking that first step is the most difficult but once you take it you are propelled forward. I provide very specific information about how to go about the adoption process if you live in say Spain or France or the UK. And because adoption is a topic close to my heart and I am always learning, I also interview experts and write articles about things like creating a lifebook and race and identity.“
The second blog is called Parenting While Abroad and the following experiences led to its creation:
I have lived outside the US for almost 10 years but it wasn’t until I had a child that I experienced culture shock. It was the most overwhelming feeling imaginable. I felt an enormous responsibility to make sure my child fit in, but I realized that I didn’t understand the school culture or the educational system or how children in France socialize and play. I was equally baffled by the small talk French women make while waiting outside the school and how to set up play dates with other kids. I was often completely confounded and I panicked because I just thought if I didn’t know these things then how on earth could I guide my child who was counting on me? My experience was certainly exacerbated by the fact that I was a new mother to a walking, talking, strong-willed 3.5 year old. But I am sure that most expat mothers experience similar emotions and panic.
There are very special issues that come up when you live outside your country of origin – from raising bilingual children, to choosing an appropriate school — and I deal with those on Parenting While Abroad. My goal is to provide a site where parents can go for information that will help them make informed choices and feel more confident in their parenting skills even if they live abroad and have a limited network of friends.“
As if this all were not enough, Lisa revealed a very special project she is currently helping:
At the moment I am most excited about helping an organization in the US called Orphans’ Heroes to build a school in a village in Ghana. Orphans’ Heroes is a small organization that has done a tremendous job helping orphans in Africa and it is a privilege to be able to work with them on this and other projects. There are 216 children in the village, with another 230 in neighboring villages and there is no school in the area. Very few of the children are currently receiving an education, most are working and some, unfortunately, are being sold into slavery to support their families. Orphans’ Heroes has already provided the two primary villages with water pumps so they have clean water, has secured national health care cards for 450 children and has saved one boy from slavery. The school will ensure that the children will have a better future. We are currently raising funds and hope to have the school finished by the end of the 2011.“
Finally, I asked Lisa for any advice she could provide to other parents living abroad who are interested in adoption. She outlined the following:
The first step is to determine what rules you’ve got to follow. Are you a permanent resident of your country? Are you considered a resident of the US or your home country even though you don’t live in it? Do you have to get permission from your country of residence as well as your passport country? I provide a lot of information on Adopting While Abroad, including interviews with social workers who do home studies for expats, so it is a good first stop.
I would say that the process is going to be complicated and long, but that it if you follow the rules, provide all the necessary documentation and you meet the requirements of all the countries you are working with, then you will ultimately accomplish your goal. You just have to be patient and persistent.“
I want to thank Lisa for providing us with an insight into her family and international adoption. She has a unique perspective and a lot of knowledge to share with those living abroad. Please make use of her blogs and all the information she provides. You can also follow Lisa on Facebook and Twitter.
I am honored to have this post guest authored by my 15-year-old son, Wyatt. This introduction gives me the 
opportunity to fluff my feathers a bit and be a proud mother. Wyatt is currently a sophomore in high school. We adopted him from Russia when he was 21 months-old. Wyatt has always had an engaging smile and magnetic personality. He lights up my life and has brought endless joy to me. He is a talented musician, starting with the violin in 3rd grade and moving to the electric and acoustic bass by 7th grade. He currently plays in the top jazz band at Valley Christian High School and last night just played for the Queen of Jordan who was in San Jose receiving a humanitarian award. Below is Wyatt’s account on what it feels like to be adopted. Thanks for bearing with me and letting me brag a bit!
opportunity to fluff my feathers a bit and be a proud mother. Wyatt is currently a sophomore in high school. We adopted him from Russia when he was 21 months-old. Wyatt has always had an engaging smile and magnetic personality. He lights up my life and has brought endless joy to me. He is a talented musician, starting with the violin in 3rd grade and moving to the electric and acoustic bass by 7th grade. He currently plays in the top jazz band at Valley Christian High School and last night just played for the Queen of Jordan who was in San Jose receiving a humanitarian award. Below is Wyatt’s account on what it feels like to be adopted. Thanks for bearing with me and letting me brag a bit!
Being adopted has not been a big deal. I find that when I was younger, I used to be a little shy on the subject. The more you grow up though, the more people you meet. Throughout all the friends I have made, I have met quite a few people who have been adopted also. Growing up and knowing I was not the only one made it a casual subject. I right now don’t even think of myself as adopted. People have sometimes asked me if I consider my mom and dad as my parents, or if I still think of my biological mother and father as my parents. I always think they are crazy when they ask this considering that I’ve grown up my whole life with my parents. My biological parents just led me to my real family. Growing up being adopted hasn’t changed my life much because it’s a subject I don’t even think about.
Being born in Russia is really cool. I think because it is so far away from where I live now, that it makes it exciting. My parents brought many things from Russia back to California so I could have some traditional Russian objects and toys from where I was born. I think the art and design is really interesting because it looks a lot different from what we usually see in America. Another thing about being from Russia is that most Russians aren’t a mixed race like everyone from the United States.
Life is very normal when you are adopted. When I was younger, I had mixed emotions about being adopted though. I used to brag about being adopted, because I felt I was different from other people. That wore off when I got into elementary school though. I wouldn’t tell people because I didn’t want to be different. During that time kids just wanted to be considered “normal” so they wouldn’t draw attention. Then in junior high I would tell people if they asked about it because I wasn’t trying to hide anything. Currently in high school I couldn’t care less if people know I am adopted. That is something quite a few people know about me. Overall, I don’t feel being adopted has changed me because it never crosses my mind.
There are so many components going into an adoption. Having adopted twice from Russia, I am familiar with the 
demands placed on prospective parents. Yes, our first adoption was back in 1999, and the second was in 2001, so I know requirements have changed. But although the actual rules and regulations may have changed, there is still the demand to get everything done. And it is a lot!
demands placed on prospective parents. Yes, our first adoption was back in 1999, and the second was in 2001, so I know requirements have changed. But although the actual rules and regulations may have changed, there is still the demand to get everything done. And it is a lot!
We selected a local adoption agency and started attending the mandatory classes. I don’t remember how many we actually had to attend, but there were guest speakers–adoptive parents who would come and talk about their experiences. Other times we would listen to the U.S. requirements. During this process we received a huge binder full of forms to complete and papers to read. I guess this could be considered our bible of international adoption. Just a side note though, our classes did not address the special needs issue in international adoption, nor did our paperwork. Actually, the only mention of special needs was a tiny check box on one of the forms asking if we wanted to parent a special needs child.
As any adoptive parent knows, there is an endless array of papers to complete. For international adoption, you can double or triple that, depending upon the country. The U.S. has their requirements and the other country has their list. Both must be completed before you are approved to travel.
So we started with the U.S. paperwork, along with having to complete a home study. The home study is a detailed written report of the people desiring to adopt. A social worker makes home visits and you discuss your jobs, your income, your extended families, friends, your neighborhood, schools, etc. Quite frankly, it was easy enough, but it can definitely feel intrusive. We had a social worker reviewing our home, telling us to pad the fireplace hearth, to put something around the hard marble table sitting in our family room, wanting to know what bedroom we would give our future child, telling us we must put a fence around our pool. We did put a fence around our pool, but how many families decide not to? With adoption, if you are told to jump through a hoop, you jump. Again, in the midst of all these discussions, our social worker never broached the topic of special needs and the prevalence of it within international adoption.
Once we completed all the U.S. requirements, we selected another agency that would act as our liaison with Russia. But of course, we now had more paperwork to complete–this time for Russia. The problem with completing our paperwork for the Russian government was that it was a moving target. We would be given our list of what was needed. We would work diligently towards its completion and hand everything into our agency, only to be told that there was one new form to complete.
We had to be fingerprinted and cleared at the national level. At one point preparing our paperwork for our second adoption, we were told that there was yet another piece of paperwork. Yes, the Russians had received our fingerprint clearances, but now they wanted the police in our local village to write a document saying that we have not been in trouble locally. Our local village? We live smack dab in the middle of Silicon Valley with a population in San Jose alone of one million. Where to go and what to do?
Our agency told us that we had to figure something out. So my husband and I went down to the sheriff’s office with a copy of our fingerprint clearances and began to explain what we needed. Of course, they did not know us from any of the other one million villagers, so they did not want to write a personal letter. We showed them pictures of our waiting daughter. We gave them our driver’s licenses to check in their system. And then we pleaded that they write a letter saying that our fingerprints were cleared and we had no known arrest records. It was close to Christmas and so relying on the holiday spirit, we eventually received what we needed. Two villagers cleared to travel!
I can’t leave out that all our paperwork needed to be notarized and apostilled. OK, I understood notarized. Basically we were having a notary public attest that our signatures on these forms were indeed ours. And remember, we had to pay the notary for each notarized page.
I had never heard of an apostille and the demand for one was more confusing. In summary, an apostille authenticates documents for use in foreign countries. Our notarized documents had to be verified at our state capital (Sacramento), or basically the notary public’s signature had to be authenticated. And of course, a nice fee accompanies each document that requires an apostille.
Once we got out from underneath our mountain of paperwork, we thought we were home free. But our work had only started…
As many of you know, I post about special needs issues affecting children. But when I was offered the opportunity to review the book Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope by Mary Beth Chapman and co-authored by Ellen Vaughn, I had to jump on it. What initially piqued my interest was that Mary Beth and her husband, Steven Curtis Chapman, award-winning Christian Gospel singer, had experienced international adoption by traveling to China and adopting three beautiful girls. But as I became more familiar with the Chapman’s story, I soon realized that it crossed all boundaries, such as adoption, race, and religion, and hits to the core of being a parent. Loss is loss and the Chapmans experienced a big one.
What follows is my review of Mary Beth’s book. I was also provided with comments from Mary Beth’s to a number of different issues. This input helps add additional insight into Mary Beth, her family, and her life.
Mary Beth Chapman
The Chapman family members are devote Christians and Mary Beth’s love of God is infused throughout her story. Part of this story is Mary Beth’s relationship with God and her exploration of why her plans and God’s plans do not always match. But you do not need to be from the same faith to appreciate Mary Beth’s love of family and friends and devotion to her children.
Mary Beth revealed that in her early years of growing up she experienced the inevitable insecurities that affect many of us. As Mary Beth put it:
The enemy of my soul whispered to me that I could never be good enough, that I just wasn’t worth God’s attention and love.” (p. 33)
But Mary Beth made it through her childhood and eventually met her husband in college. They were blessed with three beautiful children, but Steven’s career and increasing popularity kept him away from the family and on the road for long periods of time. Mary Beth opened up about her bouts with depression as she struggled to care for her family and revealed:
Three cheers for antidepressant medications! Do I need to say more? I’ve realized many times over the years that God has allowed really smart people to create these medications to help us get better, to the point of helping us work through the issues in our lives that are our stories. I have been depressed probably since high school but hid it until 1991 when Will was born. I talk a lot about it in the book, along with my personal journey of realizing I couldn’t just pray my way, or Bible study my way, or do all of the right Christian things out of my depression. With a lot of professional help, I’m making it day by day and using the depression in my life, my thorn in the flesh, as a means to let it keep driving me back to the Cross and give it to Christ. If I get better this side of heaven, or if am healed overnight, then praise the Lord. If I take the depression to my grave, then I will count it as the thing in my life that God has chosen to give me to keep driving me back to Him.“
International Adoption
Emily, the Chapman’s oldest daughter, felt a calling for the family to adopt. Through much consideration, they adopted a baby girl from China. As any parent of an adoption knows, when you see how many children need families, it’s hard to not open up your heart again. The Chapmans adopted two more times from China, bringing home another baby girl each time. Mary Beth shared:
When Emily was 11 years old, she and I took a trip with Compassion International where we journeyed to Haiti. Things were never the same upon our return. After already watching some of our closest friends adopt, plus seeing the orphans and vulnerable children of Haiti, my sweet Emily launched an all out campaign to adopt a child who otherwise wouldn’t have a home. She pushed us hard and got her brothers to join in. Her dad was secretly hoping for it because of what a picture adoption is in the Gospel. I am sad to say that I was the last to hold out, but once God began working in me, some would say He hasn’t stopped. Adoption and my three little girls have changed my life forever – giving me the clearest, purest picture of the Gospel I could ever receive. I am so grateful that God used the faith of a child to change her mom’s heart.“
The Chapmans’ Heartbreak
The day tragedy struck and changed the Chapmans forever, they had six children ranging in ages from 23 years-old down to the youngest, Maria brought home from China, who had just turned five. One moment the family was planning a high school graduation and their oldest child’s wedding. The next moment they were planning a funeral for their youngest child.
Mary Beth reveals some interactions with Maria that seemed to foreshadow what was to come. In one incident not too 
much before her untimely death, Maria blurted out “I wanna go to God’s big, big house!” (p. 134) Maria was quickly taken from her family and they had to learn how to go on in life and accept her death.
During a very moving part of her story, Mary Beth explained that the entire family attended Maria’s funeral barefoot. “It was our way of honoring her and proclaiming that we were on holy ground.” (p. 184) The very next day, the Chapman’s oldest son attended graduation ceremonies in the same sanctuary where his sister’s memorial service had taken place. To honor the Chapmans, the entire Senior class attended their graduation ceremony barefoot.
Experiencing Loss
The Chinese proverb “the journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” (p. 99) was used by Mary Beth to describe the adoption process. But it is also very apropos to loss and the healing process. I believe that parents of children with special needs will be able to relate to Mary Beth and her story. Mary Beth’s stages of grieving during her loss are somewhat similar to what parents of children with special needs experience. Although Mary Beth experienced the physical loss of her daughter, parents of children with special needs experience the loss of dreams and often times a future. This is a different loss and a different pain, but a loss that still requires healing.
With regards to experiencing her loss, Mary Beth said, “I realized that we were at the very beginning of what was going to be a long, long journey.” (p.153) But later she embraced, “If we all stick together, we can do hard.” (p. 196) Mary Beth also eloquently stated:
I have found that even during those times when the path is darkest, He [God] leaves little bits of evidence all along the way–bread crumbs of grace–that can give me what I need to take the next step.” (p. 26)
Telling her story in order to provide others hope was part of Mary Beth’s process of healing from the loss of Maria. Choosing to SEE: A Journey of Struggle and Hope had many working titles, but Mary Beth explained the final title selection as:
When Maria went to heaven, the men in our family kept praying loudly that God would show us Himself in this horrific accident. We didn’t understand…we needed to SEE God. When we walked in our home for the first time after the accident, to gather our clothes for the funeral and memorial service and to get some of Maria’s things we wanted to display, we were still desperately praying that prayer of
needing/demanding to SEE God in this tragedy. Steven wandered over to Maria’s art table where he found a picture that she had drawn the morning of the accident. It was a flower with six petals. One of the petals was colored in blue. When he flipped the paper over, we were stunned to find that she had drawn an orange butterfly and the word SEE, all in capital letters. The way it is written on the book’s cover is Maria’s actual artwork. We took that as God and Maria saying “SEE! I’m with Jesus and I’m ok. It will be hard, but we will SEE each other again.” I think because I have six children and she only colored in one of the six petals, that was a sign that she is the only one that is complete! To our knowledge, Maria had never written that word before that day.“
The book ends at about 18 months after the death of Maria, but it is clear that the healing is a continual process for the family.
Healing
The Chapmans had a passionate desire to “help as many people as we could to experience this miracle of adoption.” (p. 90) They talked with Bethany Christian Services, the agency that helped them with their adoptions, to determine the best way to help. They eventually founded an adoption and orphan care ministry named Show Hope. Mary Beth shared:
Show Hope is the adoption awareness and orphan care ministry Steven and I founded in 2001. It is named after our daughter Shaohannah Hope, the first of the three girls we adopted from China. Show Hope has the mission to care for the millions of orphans around the world, and we provide families and church communities with information on how to help care for orphans as well as give financial grants to families who are adopting. Show Hope also empowers others to act on behalf of the orphan through strategic resources, advocacy efforts, and orphan care projects around the world and through our grants, we want to help reduce the financial barriers to adoption through adoption assistance grants. Unfortunately an adoption can cost between $10,000-$45,000. There is a real need to overcome these financial barriers and link generous hearts with willing families and waiting children. Since Show Hope began, we have given over 2500 grants to families who have adopted children from over 45 different countries! I’m honored to be entrusted with the position as President of Show Hope, and it’s a true joy working with the staff and the Board. “
Show Hope is also responsible for building Maria’s Big House of Hope (MBHOH), located in one of the poorest areas of China. This is Maria’s legacy here on earth and is a constant remembrance of her powerful influence in her family’s life. Mary Beth continued:
Last year was Show Hope’s grand opening of Maria’s Big House of Hope, located in Luoyang, China. Maria’s Big House of Hope is a medical care center that provides the highest level of care for special needs orphans, from newborn to age five, who are in desperate need of surgeries and medical attention thus enabling the children to thrive and increase the orphans’ chances of being adopted. We named Maria’s Big House of Hope in loving memory of our Maria, whose laughter and love can be heard throughout every single floor, in every room, in every child there.
In just one year already, over 200 orphans have been cared for at Maria’s Big House! These children have received an incredible amount of love and medical attention due to the enormous support from the staff, volunteers and donations and even more so, many of these orphans have been able to be placed into forever homes. MBHOH also has a brand new playground and a kindergarten classroom for the older children. It’s just an amazing place! For more about Show Hope, and Maria’s Big House of Hope, go to www.ShowHope.org.“
Conclusion
Although writing the book was part of Mary Beth’s healing process, she explained that it was also much more:
It was important to me that the book be my story, the story of my wrestling match with God and not just the loss of precious Maria. The book was born out of a speech that I gave about that very subject,
wrestling and the working title was actually Mary Beth vs. God. It is about so many places I’ve been in my personal journey that have been hard, and where God has taken me in some really surprising ways. When I put the final period on the book, it was as if God released me. He whispered, “You’re done. The book was for you. You needed this journey, the counseling, the prayer, the reflection.” It was and is a part of the ongoing healing process. It was as if God was saying to me to put it on the shelf and any other copy that found its way to another reader and encouraged them was just an added bonus. I pray that the people who read it are encouraged by my journey of wrestling with God through the good, bad and the ugly.“
Mary Beth will be speaking at twelve Women of Faith conferences scheduled this year. She will also be present on the “A Night with the Chapmans” concert tour currently underway. Check Mary Beth’s website for conference and tour dates. You can also follow her on Facebook and Twitter.
I would like to thank Vining Media Relations for contacting me and giving me the opportunity to read and review Mary Beth Chapman’s new book and for providing me with Mary Beth’s personal responses to selected questions.
There she sat, in the corner, under the table, behind the desk, against the wall. She hated us to pick her up, but we tried
anyway. She hated to be held, but we continued. She actively avoided our eyes, but we insisted on gazing upon her. She was a beautiful, green-eyed blonde, 18-months-old, and not yet walking. She did not utter a word, barely a sound. She was our new daughter, brought back home from her Russian stay. That was over ten years ago.
anyway. She hated to be held, but we continued. She actively avoided our eyes, but we insisted on gazing upon her. She was a beautiful, green-eyed blonde, 18-months-old, and not yet walking. She did not utter a word, barely a sound. She was our new daughter, brought back home from her Russian stay. That was over ten years ago.
Our Experiences
Our first adoption from Russia was in 1997. We traveled to beautiful Yaroslavl and stayed with a family in their home on the Volga River. The wife was very proud of her home and put us in the master bedroom, canopy bed and all. I can still remember the day we picked up our son at 20-months of age. While I was holding him, he was speaking Russian, admiring my earrings, and commenting on the light in the room. As we left the building for the final time, all the attendants had formed a circle around us and were crying. They knew this was for the best, but he had been loved and would be missed. He basically hit the ground running and he has never looked back.
Our second adoption was in 1999, and we traveled to Moscow to pick up our daughter. We stayed with a family in a typical communist-era apartment. The first time we laid eyes on our daughter, we already knew this was going to be a different experience. She was not the healthy, almost walking toddler that had been described. She weighed but 14 pounds at 18-months-old. She arched her back as I held her, pulled her head away from me, and avoided my eyes like the plague. The day we were to take her, she was all but shoved into our arms as we were pushed out the door. As we left the director’s office, a guard stood watch to ensure we exited the building.
Before our court appearance a few days later, we learned more about our new daughter. She could only go to sleep if she was up on all fours and rocking from front to back. I remember one night we tried to hold her and soothe her to sleep, but she just cried. We figured we could deal with this when we got home. We just placed her down and put her in motion to rock–rock so we could all have peace.
When sleeping she also violently rocked her head from side-to-side. I would sometimes put pillows against the wall so that she would not bang herself. There was very little response coming from her and while in Russia we were already formulating our game plan. I remember saying to my husband that this was going to change our lives forever. And it did.
We were not naïve; we knew that love would not conquer all. We knew that we had hard work ahead of us. But during our journey, we were destined to discover that no amount of reading, no amount of experience, no amount of research, could have prepared us for what we were up against. But it would have been helpful to have more support than we found.
What Can Go Wrong?
We are all familiar with the horror stories surrounding international adoptions. I am aware of 15 Russian children who have died at the hands of their U.S. adoptive parents since 1996. Then there’s the most recent story surrounding Torry Hansen, the mother of a 7-year-old boy adopted from Russia. She sent her son back to Russia this past April. He traveled alone, except for a note from his mother stating that she could no longer care for him.
On the surface it is very easy to judge these parents. How can they commit these acts? How does this happen? But we need to take a closer look at what may contribute to these situations.
Who Are These Children?
In Eastern Europe, times have been tough for years and many birthparents can not afford to care for their children. But if we are honest, it goes even deeper than this. Sure, some of these birthparents have fallen on hard times in countries that are struggling economically. But others are struggling due to issues closer to home. Some of these women have their own set of learning disabilities and/or their own behavioral disorders that have contributed to them experiencing hardships. For some, these problems also have been compounded by drug or alcohol abuse and/or mental health issues.
Many children who are adopted from Eastern Europe suffer deprivation and trauma in their early lives in the orphanages. They experience huge amounts of neglect along with lack of physical contact and warmth.
This lack of initial maternal nurturing always makes me think of Harry Harlow’s experiment with rhesus monkeys. He varied situations, but basically monkeys were reared for various amounts of time with different levels of care to complete isolation. The experiments illustrated the importance of early nurturing and bonding between a caregiver and infant. Without this, some of the monkeys ended up being severely disturbed.
It really should be no surprise that these children are at an increased risk for problems in the following areas:
- medical: e.g, tuberculosis and hepatitis;
- physical: e.g., delays and/or permanent problems in both fine and gross motor skills;
- developmental e.g., delays and/or permanent problems in speech and cognition; and
- emotional: e.g., difficulties forming attachments, post traumatic stress, and behavioral problems.
In reality, this is a very short list of problems that many adoptive parents actually encounter. These problems can be particularly hard for U.S. doctors to assess. First, there isn’t a lot of available information on post-institutionalized children, because research is limited. Second, parents are typically provided with very little to no medical history. If any medical history is provided, the accuracy is usually in question. Finally, many western doctors have minimal to no experience with these children.
What Kind of Support Do Parents Receive?
Prior to the adoption process, parents work with an adoption agency that is responsible for conducting a homestudy. We attended a number of classes provided by our adoption agency. We also worked with a social worker who conducted our homestudy. We completed questionnaires, were interviewed by the social worker, and had our home inspected. After that, we moved over to another agency who worked directly with officials in Russia. There were many more papers to complete that were specific to Russia.
I researched international adoption and we visited with a couple of parents who had already gone through the process. Neither the adoption agency, social worker, or Russian agency prepared us for even possible minor special needs.
After the completion of the adoption, Russia required that three follow-up visits at designated intervals be conducted by the social worker and that a report be submitted. Since it was apparent very early on that our daughter had severe issues, we discussed it during our first follow-up visit with our social worker and the Russian agency. Surprisingly, we were never contacted again for another follow-up. We never heard from our social worker or the Russian agency after that first visit. (Note, we had been through the adoption process two years earlier to bring home our son. We were required to complete all follow-ups.)
Our adoption experience occurred more than ten years ago and is the experience of one family. But this one family received close to no education prior to our adoption regarding the truly significant issues. Once home and aware that we were facing major problems, we were truly on our own.
In Conclusion
It is obvious that changes need to be made, so that parents do not find themselves so overwhelmed and stressed that they harm their child or put him on a return flight to Russia. I do not condone any of the actions of these adoptive parents. How could I? But I do wish there would be more education prior to the adoption and support services and resources after the fact.
Individuals wishing to adopt internationally should proceed on the premise that any child they adopt will be special needs. Prepare yourself: read, talk with other parents, join mailing lists, and do your research.
If your child arrives home unscathed, then you are one of the lucky ones and you’ll never have to look back. But if your child has developmental delays or more, your preparation and jump start will be a blessing. It is important to know what the future may hold—the impact on your family, the impact on your finances, the impact on your marriage, and the impact on you.
Adopting internationally is not for everyone, but it is for some. For those of you who educate yourselves and decide to continue with an adoption, your lives will be enriched in more ways than I can describe. You will increase your compassion for others and admire your child’s accomplishments, no matter how small. You will learn to appreciate what is truly important in life and you will never judge others like perhaps you did before. And you will love a little being like you never thought possible, until you become a parent.
Below are a few support services and agencies for parents who adopt internationally. This is by no means comprehensive, but it is a start.
Dr. James Reilly
Dr. George Rogu
Dr. Nicholas Rogu
(631) 499-4114
Adoption Medicine Program & Clinic
University of Minnesota
Dr. Dana Johnson
(612) 624-1164
Association for Research in International Adoption
Dr. Teena McGuinness
(205) 934-0630
Center for Cognitive-Developmental Assessment & Remediation
Dr. Boris Gindis
(845)694-8496
Dr. Ronald S.Federici, Psy.D. & Associates
(703) 830-6052
Eastern European Adoption Coalition (EEAC)
Families for Russian and Ukrainian Adoption
Dr. Jane Aronson
(212) 207-6666
Harriet McCarthy
The S-O-S Rescue Series is my way of helping other parents who find themselves in need of information for their child 
with special needs. I do not consider myself an expert in ADHD, autism, anxiety, social skills, play skills, or any of these special needs issues. What I do consider myself is an expert in gathering and organizing information in a way that is useful to others.
Experience in my “previous” life involved social science research and marketing research. I had a successful small business where I worked with high technology companies here in Silicon Valley. I created and maintained large sales and marketing information systems and also conducted analyses on the data.
As it happens with many mothers of special needs kids, I had to eventually close shop. My family demands were too great and someone needed to have a freer schedule to handle the needs of our daughter. That someone was me. I know there are many moms out there who can relate.
Years of Gathering Information
Over many years I have addressed problem after problem with my daughter. I have had the extra complication that she is adopted from Russia. We do not have any family history or genetic information. Also, children who have spent time in orphanages do not come out unscathed. How much of what we were seeing would resolve over time? How much was genetics? How much was institutionalized affects?
I have been forced to research many topics, because my daughter has never fit neatly into one box. Her behaviors have been confusing to many top doctors and I have explored many options. Although I was no longer consulting, I was still using my research skills to identify the problems, analyze my options, and constantly refine my solutions.
Through this process I have talked with many parents in similar situations. I found that many of them did not even know where to begin the process of finding help. Yes, there is a lot of available information. But there is almost too much! I soon began to see that there was a hole to fill. Parents needed something to help them help their children. They needed not only information, but they also needed a process or steps to walk them through how to find and use the information. Thus, the S-O-S Rescue Series was born.
Description of S-O-S Rescue Series Guides
I use to buy book after book looking for information for my daughter. In the end, I often used only one chapter from a given book. The S-O-S Rescue Series guides are organized so that you only buy what you need now. First, each series is on one topic, for example, ADHD, social skills, or anxiety. Second, each series contains three guides that correspond to how I tackle issues for my daughter.
- Stage 1 is identifying the problem.
- Stage 2 is analyzing the options.
- Stage 3 is refining your solutions.
The S-O-S Rescue Series are unique and there isn’t anything quite like them. They offer parents a lot of options and guidance. The series:
- Ensures Your Child Receives the Best. The S-O-S Rescue Series are objective and do not promote any one treatment option. Again, I am not promoting myself as an expert on each topic; just an expert on getting you the information you need. You know your child the best. Many options are presented so that you make a decision on what will work best for your child.
- Helps You be in Charge: The guides help you build a team of professionals, but you learn to be the manager of this team. You examine your options. If you do not see your child benefiting from a particular treatment or service, change it.
- Helps You Make the Right Decisions: There are many available treatments and services. You choose what your child needs based on having the right information. Correct decisions are important because they can improve your child’s life in areas such as home, school, sports, friends, and church.
- Saves You Time: I have spent years researching and organizing information. Can you do what I’ve done? Perhaps. But do you have eight to ten hours a day, weeks on end to devote to this one task? Use my years of hard work to your advantage. Don’t reinvent the wheel. When it comes to your child, you don’t want to waste time.
- Saves You Money: The guides help you educate yourself. The more you learn, the quicker you decide what is best for your child. You won’t waste money on things your child does not need.
You can purchase only one stage at a time or the series at a discount. For the price of a movie or lunch, you will find a large amount of information to help you with your problem-solving process. The guides are set-up so that you can turn them into a working document and track what you have completed.
If you have additional questions, I would love to hear from you. Leave a comment below or email me at info@sos-research.com.
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